***Merry Christmas and a Happy Chanukah!
Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, Her nose in her books, And my comments to her Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades had in school. When all of a sudden, The door opened wide, Our "Patron Saint Put It Off" Ambled inside. (with a rented movie) Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She laughed VERY loud and She started to bellow: "What kind of student Would make such a fuss, To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. "It sucks to have to study But just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
***25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
> 1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See > how many you can do at a time. > > 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. > > 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. > > 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other > plans. > > 5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. > > 6. Dance naked in front of your pets. > > 7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to > pre-school as if nothing is wrong. > > 8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals. > > 9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from > high places. > > 10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the > natives. > 11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead. > > 12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next > day. > > 13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your > boss's wife. > > 14. Pay your electric bill in pennies. > > 15. Drive to work in reverse. > > 16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. > > 17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it > out. > > 18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. > > 19. Polish your car with earwax. > > 20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. > > 21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes > back to you. > > 22. Braid the hairs in each nostril. > > 23. Write a short story using alphabet soup. > > 24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're > in jail. > > 25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it. > > Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it > back in the wrapper.
> > 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 > > minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some > > gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. > > > > 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the > > secret documents!!" > > > > 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long > > answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the > > integral symbol. > > > > 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's > > left nostril. > > > > 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate > > your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm > > SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk > > the instructor is. > > > > 6. Bring cheerleaders. > > 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly B > > say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to > > every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are > > you? Where's the regular guy?" > > > > 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max > > level. > > > > 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to > > refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this > > question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be > > creative. > > > > 10. Bring pets. > > > > 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of > > relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the > > country" and run off. > > > > 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into > > very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry > > Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. > > Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. > > > > 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. > > > > 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your > > head, and nothing else. > > > > 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as > > vulgar as possible. > >> 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make > > one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. > > > > 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. > > Blame it on the person nearest to you. > > > > 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. > > > > 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be > > taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let > > them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of > > the profits if they are allowed to stay. > > > > 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to > > another seat, continue with the exam. > > > > 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, > > start commenting on how easy it was. > > > > 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If > > it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. > > etc..). > > > > 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers > > completely blacked out. > > > > 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down > > violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. > >> 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the > > instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving > > after one hour to go drink) > > > > 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point > > during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). > > > > 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, > > tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on > > above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" > > > > 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. > > > > 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put > > on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" > > until they drag you away. > > > > 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the > > class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you > belonged. > > Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take > > the exam. > > > > 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say > > "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our > > Lives is on!!!" > > > > 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. > >> 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore > > the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to > > leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the > > River Kwai. > > > > 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. > > > > 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you > > could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most > > equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life > > story. > > > > 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and > > shield. > > > > 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the > > exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. > > > > 38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... > > like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just > > failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with > > the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see > fit." > > > > 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. > > > > 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any > > question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. > > > > 41. One word: Wrestlemania. > >> 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they > > do before concerts start. > > > > 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. > > > > 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. > > > > 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. > > Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. > > > > 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent > > to you every few minutes throughout the exam. > > > > 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, > > anything you can reach. > > > > 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 > > degree angle. > > > > 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are > > asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student > Hand> with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical > > instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". > > > > 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Suck/s" > > > > > > GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FINALS!
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet figured out TMBG.
***OVER 50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE (AND OTHER SOCIAL CATASTROPHES)
> 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to > give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the server, who > reaches for it. > > 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, > and balance them in a tower on your table. > > 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. > > 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. > > 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. > > 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your > high school yearbook. > > 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. > > 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. > > 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what > they are talking about. > > 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms stretched, and make airplane sounds. > > 11. Order a bucket of lard. > > 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very will in fancier > venues that use linen tablecloths. > > 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. > > 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. > > 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins > talking about themselves. > > 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great diety, Pomme. > > 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. > > 18. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their > plate than they do. > > 19. Drool. > > 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. > > 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in > front of you. > 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head server > and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order > another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask her/him "What the > HELL took you so long in the restroom?!?!?". > > 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. > > 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. > 25. Beg your dateto tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing > the subject up. > > 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. > > 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. > > 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. > > 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, > where you have a good view of all exits and where you can keep your back to > the wall. Act nervous. > > 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. > > 31. Hum loudly, in monotone. > > 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and papper > shakers, silverware, floral arrangements....i.e. anything on the table > that isn't bolted down. > > 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. > > 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. > > 35. Auction your date off for silverware. > > 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. > > 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the server brings your > food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the server for the > potato you "never got". When the server returns with another potato for > you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. > > 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. > 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, > and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. > > 40. Discuss boils and lesions as if from personal experience. > > 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (or ubber-dubber language, > or just nonsense). > > 42. Take a break, and go to the restroom. When you return to the table, > throw a pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that > they just need airing out. > > 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. > Take one bite. > > 44. Bring 20 or so candles with you and during the meal get up and > arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. > > 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you are taking them > home to your invalid, senile, old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than > actually feeding her. > > 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. > > 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee > and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. > > 48. Insist that the server cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar > vein, insist that he/she take a bite of everything on the plate, to make > sure nobody has poisoned it. > > 49. Accuse your date of espionage. > > 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. > > 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. > 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay > the bill. > 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. > > 54. Feed imaginary friends or toy dolls you've brought with you. > > 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
*** --==>> THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS <<==--
as you've NEVER seen them before
________________________ (__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION * (oo) ( November 1989 Version! ) /-------\/ --'\________________________/ * WORLDWIDE DISTRIBUTION * / | || * ||----|| Edited by Eric W. Tilenius ~~ ~~ Please send your submissions to: Cow ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU // ewtileni@pucc.BITNET - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow Cow laden Same cow Nancy Reagan-type with milk after milking cow with milk (___) (___) * (___) (___) (o o) (o o) \ (o o) (o o) /-------\ / /-------\ / \-------\ / /-------\ / / | ||O / | ||O | ||O / | ~#>-+|O * ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | || * ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\ Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble on grass on cow (__) (__) * (__) * (__) (oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo) /--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/ * o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / || ||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----|| ooo~~ ~~ ooooooooooooooooo ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit a shit shit kicked out of her (__) (oo) U /-------\/ /---V / | || * |--| . * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters. (__) )__( vv vv (oo) (oo) ||----|| * /-------\/ *-------\/ || | / / | || / | || /\-------/ * ||----|| / ||----|| (oo) ~~ ~~ vv vv (~~) American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow (__) (__) (__) (oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo) /-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/ / | || / | || /| || * ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Freshman Cow at Freshman Cow Freshman Cow start of school After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20" (__) (__) (__) (OO) (@@) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms /\ __ / \ || (__) (__) \ / (_||_) SooS (oo) \/ (oo) /------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/ / | || / | || / S / | || * ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's to George Washington this cow cow (__) * (__) (oo) \ (oo) /------\/ \-------\/ /| |/ | | ==$ || / | [) || ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday (___) (__) (__) ( O ) (oo) (oo) /-------\ / \/--------\/ / | ||V | | * ||----|| ||------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle (__) (__) [##] (@o) /-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__) / | || / | || / | || (oo) * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman (____) (____) (____) (oo ) (o o) ( O O) /-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ / / || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/ / || |||| \ | | | | | / || |||| * ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----|||| /\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ~~~~ ~~~~ This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four legs or eight O__O \_|_/ (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty (__) (__) ~~ (oo) (--) ~~~~ /-------\/ /-\/-\ ~~~~~ / | || /| |\ ~~~~~ * ||----|| ~ | | ~ ~~~~~~~~ ====~~====~~==== | | ~~~~~~/ /----\ ~~~~~~~~~~~ / \ \ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ * ~ Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale (What a bod, huh guys?) )\ (__) / \ (oo) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cow swimming at Amityville (Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated) * (__) \ (DD) \ /-------\/ |\ / | ||_\_/ \ | \ (__) * ||----| \\|| \(oo) ~~ ~ \||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring at ~~ \|| sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale \\ || \\|| \|| ~~ / / / / / / / / / / / \\_ / / / / / / / / / / / / \_ / / / / / _______ / / Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / / / / / (__)| / / / / / (oo)| / / ( @@@ ) /-------\/ | ( @@ ) (------------) / | ||~_| @@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----| @@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ~~ ~ /--UU--\/ (____________) / | || Cow sheltering from English Weather * ||---|| (New) Jersey Cow O O O O \ \ / / \ \ (__) / (__) \ \ (xx)/ (DD) \ +--------+\// /-------\/ \| | / / | || +--------+ * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull" at Gillies in Texas o o |__| (__) (__) (oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo /-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains male relative cow cow cow cow x xxxx|xxxx xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx | // (__) // (__) (__) (oo)// (oo)===(oo) /-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\ / | |// / | || || | \ * ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Julie Andrews Cow Siamese cows o o (__) ~ \ / (oo) / \ / _____\/___/ (__) \__/ / /\ / / (oo) _______(oo) ~ / * / /---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/ / | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\ * ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \ ~~ ~~ ||-----|| / / ~~ ~~ ~ ~ Mathematical Television This cow does Disco Cow Cow (That's what comes of (developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine) cow-culus) Ray Tube) o | [---] | | | | |------========| /----|---|\ | **** |=======| /___/___\___\ o | **** |=======| | | ___| |==============| | | ___ {(__)} |==============| \-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============| \ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } | ----------------- / | NASA |==== | | | * ||------||-----~ ----------------- || | | / / \ \ ~~ ~ | / ---- \ ~~ ~~ This cow jumped over the Moon (__) ([][]) "I have this recurring dream __\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__) /\ \__ ~ :..("") /\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ // /----~/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / // \\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ // /====== \/ =======/==============// *_/ / \ /~ // / \\ / \ ~ // \\ Psycowlogist and patient (___) \~~~~~~~~\ (__) (o o) \~~~~~~~~\\ (oo) \ / *-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/ ~_______/ --- \______~ // -----\ ~--------\ \S/ /\_____~ \\/_~{} /==V===[] \______/ \_____\\// \__/ It's a bird... //\\ The Boss It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstien) // // ~~ ~~ ================== _____________________________ H H | |-------------| H (__) H | | ________ | H (oo) H __ | COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \ | JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP | | | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ / | | o | H~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~H || | | ~ | H H || | | ] | H H || | | | H H || |_____________|_____________| H H || ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard ( ( ) ( ( ) ) ( ( ) ( / ) ( ( \\ ) ( | // ) | | (__) | | (oo) (__) | | ----\/ ______(oo)_____ | | || ( _)_______(__) ) **| | ---|| \ __________/ ``'---------~~ Cow Hide Cow Pie \ | / ___________ ____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________ | | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = | | | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | | | | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | | | | | | | #_// | | | | | | | | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | | | | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | | | | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | | | | \# |+ ++| | | |~~~~~~| | | | || | | | ( ||| ) | # ~~~~~~ | | |||| | | | ||||||| | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| | `v'- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | ||||||| | || |`. (__) (__) ( ) (oo) (oo) /---V /-------\/ \/ --------\ * | | / | || ||_______| \ * ||W---|| || || * ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ "Cow Town" \ (__) (__) \\(oo) (\/) /-----\\\/ /-------\/ / | (##) / | || * ||----||" * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ This cow plays bagpipes. Cow from Beijing (__) (__) (__) (\/) ($$) (**) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | 666 || / |=====|| / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/ / |'''''|| / | || * ||''''|| * ||----------------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow in Argyle Stretch Cow * ** ** * ** * * * ** * / / \ * * \ \ / \ / / (__) * / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00) / (00) / / / | |( ) \ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||() / / | || / / || || \ \ * ||----|| \ \ ~~ ~~ / / ~~ ~~ / / Cow Chewing Marbles Cow in Heat (___) (o o) /------\ / (__) (__) / ____O (oo) (oo) | / /----\----\/ /-------\/ /\oo===| / || / | || | || *||~-----|| * OO----OO * ~~ ~~ ~~ Cowt in the Act low rider cow (__) \__\ (__) (oo) o (oo) (oo) /-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/ / | || / | || ||______|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ||----|| OO OO OO OO OO OO Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow (__) (__) \_||_~ (oo) (oo) (*||*) /---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/ / | || / || / | || * ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----|| OO OO OO OO OO }{ li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow ____ (____) .xxxx. (__) '(oo)` (oo) /-----'-\/ ` /-------\/ / | |============> / | || * ||----| (~) * ||----|| ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi holy cow armed and dangerous (___) (___) (o o) (o o) /-------\ / /-------\ / / | ||O / | O~ ||O * ||,---|| * ||,---|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull (---) ( ) /-----\ (___) | | (o o) | | | (-----) \ / | | | / / \ O | * | * | O | ~~ ~~ ----- Coward Phone Bull __________________________ }__{ / Send YOUR cow pictures to \ (00) ( ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU ) :****** \/ ==='\___________________________/' : # ## ##****## "" "" | | | | * | | (__) | | \ (__) | | (oo) | | \ (oo) | | /-------\/ | | -----------\/-- | | / | || | | ----| |--- | | * ||----|| | | -------- | \______~~____~~___ | \_________________ | _________________ | _________________ | / | / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | / \ / \ Cow perched on a tree. Cow attempting to fly off tree. | | | | | | | | | \_________________ | _________________ | / | | | | | | | | | | | | (__) | | *---------(..) / \ ~~----~~\/ Cow that has failed miserably in the attempt. . /\ . . : (__) . / \ . . : (xx) / \ . . * : __------\/ / \ * : * ||____|| | (__) | . . ** : / | |\ . /| (oo) |\ ** : / | /\/\ | \ . . * : Hamburger . / |=|==|=| \ . * : . / | | | | \ . : / USA | ~||~ |NASA \ . : * (__) |______| ~~ |______| . : \ (oo) . (__||__) . . : \-------\/ . /_\ /_\ . . . : 8-| || !!! !!! : ||----|| : ~~ ~~ The cow that jumped over the moon. : Flying Cow ...---... ../ / | \ \.. ./ / / | \ \ \. / / / | \ \ \ / / / | \ \ \ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | /(__) \|/ (oo) /---++--\/ / | || || * ||-++-|| ~~ ~~ Cow surviving attack by Red Baron ..---.. (__) / \ (oo) | RIP | /-------\/ | | / | || | | * ||----|| | | ~~ ~~ | | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////// Elvis's Cow... ...Or is it alive and living in tax exile??? (__) (oo) /---+ +--\/ / | | | || * ||-+ +-|| ~~ ~~ * David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ \/-------\ / | || -~~- || | \ * ||---- -~~- || * ~~ ~~ (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ \/-------\ / | || || | \ * ||----|| ||----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Barnum's Troupe of performing cows (__) _--------_ (oo) |__________| BIG /-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC / | 007 || __________ * ||----|| |_ _| ~~ ~~ -------- Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow (__) (oo) /'~~~-m (__) / '' ` ) (oo) o /| /|/|_ | /| / \/ / / _ / | | | | / _\===~ ___\_____/___ |_____|_| ___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| || * ~ ~ * ww ww Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula ____ ____ |+++++| |++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++| |++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++| |++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __ | | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++| -----(__)--| \__\/ _(__)_ \ ---------------------------------- o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __ | _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh! |-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\ -|_ \_|-_|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 0 _| * \/ * \ | __________________________________/ | W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ / / /\ \ \___/ \___/ / / \ \ ~~~ ~~~ Who you gonna call...? (__) (__) (__) (----------) (00) (-o) (--) . . . ( *>YAWN<* ) /------\/ /------\/ /------\/ (----------) /| || /| || /| || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an all-nighter * (__) (__) (__) (__) \ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) \-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \ //||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\ ~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Cow walking Cow jogging Same cow Cow braking (__) (oo) (__) o * (__) \/ (oo)/ " | (oo) ____| \____ /-------\/(__ o=o=o=|------\/ ---/ --** / | / | | *____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----|| //--------/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ //__ Cow Cow pooing Cow marching standing Side Front Side back (___) Where's all the bulls! (__) (__) (__) (__) (O O)/ ( oo (oo) oo ) ( ) ~ _/\ /\_ ~ /\_| /\/\ |_/\ / \ \\/ O \// ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (___) ( OO \_ | - Got some cows that aren't in here? Add yours to the official \O collection! Send them to: ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU (___) ( -- \_ | - G'nite, and thank you for your support. Zzz z z z z z z z \O Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed COWS! PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED. (Besides, this is a classic that NO ONE should miss!) - ERIC - (__) Eric W. Tilenius (oo) /-------\/ President, Princeton Planetary Society / | || * ||----|| 609-734-7677 // ewtileni@pucc.Princeton.EDU _______________________________________________________________________________
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but allright. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
20 MORE Ways To Confuse Your Roomate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. 2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." 3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. 4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. 5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious." 6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. 7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find. 8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. 9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so. 10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...." 11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." 14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. 15. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets. 16. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. 17. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. 18. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. ------ Forwarded message ends here ------ I have no Idea what happened to the last 2!!!
MORE TO COME.
