* Without obsession, life is nothing. --John Waters * Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. * Alms for the stupid. Spare a moron a coin m'lord? * Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat. --Edmund Blackadder * Of all the things I've ever done... this is one of them. * Sis, boom Baa! It's either a cheerleader or an exploding sheep. * The inability of snakes to count is actually a refusal, on their part, to appreciate the Cardinal Number system. --"Actual Facts" * "They say I'm crazy, but I know better... It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!" * My reality check bounced. * ...Where we take our hot chocolate with two lumps of ironic distance. --Bill Olsen, on coffee hour at the U of C * Save me, Oh Lord, from those to whom You speak directly. * Within the span of the last few weeks I have heard elements of separate threads which, in that they have been conjoined in time, struck together to form a new chord within my hollow and echoing gourd. --Unknown net person * Reality is for those who lack imagination. * The human conscience can subsist on very questionable food. --George Bernard Shaw * Thank you for asserting me. * The University of Chicago wanted to share our views, but we wouldn't let them. * Life is difficult, but hey, it comes with an annual free trip around the sun! * There's only one universe, so there's no such thing as digression. --Big Bad Bob Pott * Hyde Park goodbye: "Bye and don't get murdered!" * I'm going to fail in an exhilarating fashion. --Franny * It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion... * Tomorrow is today only later. * Senseless blatherings in a nice, easy to read package. * In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? * I've been heavily influenced by doing phone interviews. --John Linnell * socrates was just this little man with this HUUGE mouth --lucy, quoted by steph * What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. * BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) * If I seem a little strange, well that's because I am. --The Smiths * Life is a bowl full of cherries. Of course, that means we'll be roasted to death in a gigantic pie someday. * It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. --Calvin * Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. --Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" * I was in a Sartre sort of mood, so I said, "screw Weber." --Kari Bauer * You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. * ********************************************************************** * In case of humor deficiency, please break .sig and insert * * contents throughout post as appropriate: :) 8) ;) =] 8-D * ********************************************************************** --Randyman * Oh indeed, the angst never ends, my friend, just ask Kurt. * It's pretty hard not to make a self-consistent system, given the amount of time humankind has been working on it.... --Kari's philosophy nook * The whole point of academia is to keep reminding ourselves of things we've already figured out. --Kari's philosophy closet * Jesus saves souls... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes. * Dichotomy everyone: Which do you prefer, a Harvard Education or a real education? --Sen. John Randolph * I don't think television will ever be perfected until the viewer can press a button and cause whoever is on the screen's head to explode." --Michael O'Donoghue * Actually, we don't exist, but thank you for imagining us. * I wish I hadn't snarfed that peach crap. --Franny Parker * Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. --Terry Pratchett * The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. --T.P. (=Terry Pratchett, not toilet paper) * [A] bit of thrilling and pointless terror was an essential ingredient of the magic of childhood. --T.P. * ...urban humans whose only connection with the cycles of nature is that their Volvo once ran over a sheep. --T.P. * Wizards don't believe in gods in the same way that most people don't find it necessary to believe in, say, tables....Anyway, either the gods are there whether you believe or not, or exist only as a function of the belief, so either way you might as well ignore the whole business and, as it were, eat off your knees. --T.P. * ...what he really wanted to do was make things go splat. --T.P. * Had he ever really thought properly when he was alive? He doubted it. He'd just been a lot of complicated reactions attached to a lot of nerve endings, with everything from idle rumination about the next meal to random, distracting memories getting between him and real thought. --T.P. * Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. --T.P. * it is safer to leave the driver's reins in Nature's hands, not ours. --Montaigne [cf. "Passivity is the key" -The Dippy Trio] * I realize I am digressing, but I can no more observe order when arranging these examples than I can in the rest of my work. --Montaigne * What good did their erudition do for Varro and Aristotle? Did it free them from human ills? Did it relieve them of misfortunes such as befall a common porter? --Montaigne * We need a store of intelligence, to understand; failing that, a hangman's rope. --Montaigne * In wisdom, there is much sadness, and he that aquireth knowledge aquireth worry and travail. --M.M. (Michel de Montaigne, not Marilyn Monroe) * God alone can interpret his works. --M.M. * God is equally as free from virtue as from vice. --M.M. * Is it not better to remain in doubt, than to get entangled in the many errors produced by human fantasy? --M.M. * So much din from so many philosophical brainboxes! --M.M. * Why do we give the name "existence" to that instant which amounts to no more than a flash of lightening against the infinite course of eternal light...since death fills everything before that moment and everything which comes afterwards as well as a large part of the moment itself? --M.M. * Most of the world's squabbles are occasioned by grammar! --M.M. [cf. Kate's quote for the English Server :) ] * The world is pickled in stupidity and brimming over with lies. --M.M. * I spy closely on myself and keep my eyes constantly directed on myself alone-I do not have much else to do. --M.M. * There's a subtle difference between a boyfriend and a pet. --Ilonka * Too long, the earth has been a madhouse! --Friedrich Nietzsche * All this is interesting, to excess, but also of a gloomy, black, unnerving sadness, so that one must forcibly forbid oneself to gaze too long into these abysses. --F.N. * Oh this insane, pathetic beast--man! --F.N. * Only that which has no history is definable. --F.N. * Cole's Law: chopped up cabbage in mayonnaise. * God creates dinosaurs God destroys dinosaurs God creates man Man destroys God Man creates dinosaurs Dinosaurs eat man Females inherit the Earth. --Jurassic Park * Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to pull out your submachine gun and blow them away... --Uncle Albert's Guide (S.J. Games TM) * It's not the greatness in the thought that they are giants, but in the thinking that They Might Be. --George C. Scott [TMBG, the movie] * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * I don't like people who aren't weird. I think there's something wrong with them. --L. Devlin * Parents, protect your children from mediocrity and blandness. --John Wesley Harding & Steve Wynn * Wanna hear my theory? No? Well, then, you can just read it silently instead of out loud. * Quotation is the refuge of the fool. --Chinese Proverb * If you tell a joke in the woods, and nobody laughs, is it funny? * Yesterday my brain was a helium filled balloon and reality was the ground. --Greg * The ultimate fate of all energy in the biosphere is to become randomized in the universe as increased entropy or randomness... We... are the transient custodians of an almost infinitesimally small portion of that energy... --_The World of the Cell_ * Linnell on coffee: "It's like heroin for us, only it's good for you." * Flans on the Halloween show: "We're going to have a bunch of acoustic guitarists playing 'A Horse with No Name' because we couldn't think of anything scarier than a bunch of acoustic guitarists playing 'A Horse with No Name'." * About two years ago, we had just gotten off tour and had played a lot of shows," Flansburgh said in an interview last month. "And we began to think of the best way to spend more money. I had been playing drums on the tour, and I was so shitty at it. So we had to do something about that, because drums are dangerous. * life: it's just a bunch of giggling, smileys, and whining. especially whining. * Though private property appears to be the source, the cause of alienated labor, it is really its consequence, just as the gods in the beginning are not the cause but the effect of man's intellectual confusion. Later, this relationship becomes reciprocal. --Karl Marx, "Estranged Labour" * The Force is like Duct Tape. It has a Light Side, a Dark Side and it binds the galaxy together. -- GonZo the Jedi Master * You rule, Frank. --guy in the balcony at the Vic in Chicago 11/94 Thanks man, you rule too. --Frank Black * How do you guys make such cool signatures? Wellll... the secret to this is to never-ever-ever go to class. Instead, sit in the computer center and absorb monitor radiation. After you have done that for a day or two, strange quotes will fill your head. Next, never-ever-ever go home. Instead, stay at the computer center all night and play with equal signs and brackets until you have a nifty box to stick your odd quote in. Once you have done this, write a meaningless letter just so you can put your nifty-box-odd-quote combination on it so that the rest of the world can appreciate the suffering you went through to make it. THE END * Standard disclaimer applies. Non-standard disclaimer: This is *not* an artichoke. * BE THE FIRST ON your BLOCK TO HAVE YOUR NAME LEGALLY CHANGED TO YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS!!!!!!!! I did, and geez, am I ever well liked! * [This post smiley closed-captioned for the humor-impaired] * [insert organization here] doesn't tell me what to think, and I return the favor. * This message was posted for no reason other than I personally wanted to, and there is nothing you can do about it! * These opinions are my own and do not reflect those of BNR, NT, The US or Canadian Governments, The UN in general or for that matter, most of the human race. * A mouse is falcon food, not an input device. * [insert organization here] has yet to purchase a site license for my opinions. * Strong Usenet Anthropic Principle: the Net exists so you can see my .sig * All opinions are mine or those of my personalities. * Any offence caused is totally free of charge. * The problem, of course, was that even though the information was coming a lot faster, the vast majority of it, having originated with human beings, was still wrong. Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing. --Dave Barry * The opinions expressed are solely my own unless I stole them. * Paul Ward, who is just another roadkill on the information highway. --Paul Ward, we assume. * Remember, no matter where you go...there you are. --Paul Ward Sat, 14 Jan 1995 21:08:26 -0600 (CST) (very quotable guy =] ) * The thoughts expressed herein are not mine. My employer made me write this. * NO-FRILLS SIG. INC. for the culturally disenchanted. "[something witty/poingnant/obscure]" -- [somebody famous] * In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream... * Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail. I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Cored dumped blues. --Chuck * Whatever statement we put forward always somehow moves round in a circle and will not stay where we put it. --Plato, _Euthyphro_ * Waste bandwidth -- that's what it's there for. --randyman, liege lord of a small bandwidth fief * If I could speak for [insert organization here], this place would be a parking lot tomorrow; but I can't. * Any opinions expressed above were an accident, I'm sorry, and it won't happen again. * Virtually everything in his life was, to a greater or lesser extent, odd. --Douglas Adams, _Mostly Harmless_ * All opinions have been secretly replaced with Folger's Crystals. * My opinions are my own, unless donated. All contributions welcome. * We have never heard the devil's side of the story. God wrote all the book. --Anatole France * ...in every truth the opposite is equally true. For example, a truth can only be expressed and enveloped in words if it is one-sided. Everything that is thought and expressed in words is one-sided, only half the truth; it lacks all totality, completeness, unity. --Hermann Hesse, _Siddhartha_ * I figure language is a poor enough means of communication as it is. So we ought to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damned few words everybody understands. --Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee, _Inherit the Wind_ * The pain was enough to make a shy, bald buddhist reflect and plan a mass murder. --The Smiths * I'll see a spendid city where great ideas are born in the minds of the populace, ideas that go forth to illuminate the darkened corners of this world....And I'll know people like you, people who have thoughts in thier heads and quick tongues with which to voice them, and we'll sit in cafes and we'll drink together and we'll clash with each other violently in words, and we'll talk for the rest of our lives in divine excitement. --Anne Rice, _The Vampire Lestat_ * Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about more use out of the weapons we already have. --Jack Handey, Sat. Night Live * Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. --Jack Handey * I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking of doing that anyway. --J.H. (neither John Henry nor Juliana Hatfield, but, in fact, Jack Handey of Saturday Night Live) * As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. --J.H. * Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you. --J.H. * I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid. --J.H. * I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others, I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. --J.H. * Oh Lord, make me chaste, but not yet. --St. Augustine * Liberal institutions straightaway cease from being liberal the moment they are soundly established. --Nietzsche * Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. --Fran Lebowitz * ...And might one not add that, fundementally, this world has never since lost a certain odor of blood and torture? (Not even in good old Kant: the categorical imperative smells of cruelty.) --Nietzsche * We just played a show. Thanks for coming to it. --Linnell, at the Vic in Chicago, 11/94 * Aristotle wasn't smart; he just had a lot of free time. --Keiki Hinami * All my wealth is hidden in a brass tuba made of gold. --Flans, at the Vic in Chicago, 11/94 * TMBG: Yeah, you know, I'm just looking forward to *being* a sellout. C: And making the money a sellout gets? TMBG: Fuck yeah!! Why worry? --Consumable Online interview 10/94 * [how we really shouldn't bash each others faces in if we could help it, so we could]: enjoy...the...rock...concert. --Linnell, at the Vic in Chicago 11/94 ******None of these quotes are copyrighted by us, because we stole most of them off the net somewheres anyway. ******Naturally, the best quotes are anything from the lyrics of a certain band we all know and worship. But including all the lyrics here would have been a little silly. So we'll put them all together (for easy reference) in a separate file. :-) ******Thanks to all of those whom we quoted without permission or credit. You're cool, man, but we don't know who you are. ******You may have noticed, as we have, that we seem to quote ourselves rather more often than is perhaps proper. Well, in explanation, we have a quote for you (which, coincidentally, neither of us said): "I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." ******Just as soon as we figure out how to do those nifty interactive-type thingys, we'll have a spot here where you can leave your own nifty quotes.